It was six oclock in the evening. I remember the time because i had gotten up early after an uneasy night. The uneasiness swelled and when i woke up, though it was cold out, i jumped in my clothes and started the ritual of getting Queen Sheba ready for her walk. Early morning on election day and i swear there were more than 30 dogs and their respective owners all over the neighborhood. Not only them, but everybody was walking with this determined gait. This "im doing this now because there is so much else to do" walk. Or maybe they were feeling the same unease i was. Anyway, i noted the expression on every face i saw and it confirmed something that i already knew academically at least. It was gonna be a long night. So by six oclock, i had already done the best job i could in avoiding the news and avoiding checking in. But inside, i was already experiencing a fever pitch anxiety. I have said over and over in conversation with others that it doesn't really matter who wins because we, as black people, are in a shitload of trouble no matter who wins. I came face to face with my own words and confirmed within myself that the statement was a false oversimplification. We would definitely be worse off with one over the other, and my body was starting to feel it. At six oclock i remember my wife wanting to turn on the election news so we could “catch up” on what was happening. I managed to protest for a few moments but then even i gave in, and we turned it onto CNN to find Wolf Blitzer and John King fighting over who could sound more pedantic and ridiculous with their stupid “magic wall.” And literally after three minutes of watching, we turned it off, because all that they kept saying is, "...well lets look at the magic wall and in 2016 this was red but the dems worked hard here so they have been trying to turn it purple and possibly blue. And they may have won here for this reason and these people in this stage may have shown up in bigger numbers than ever..." and on and on like that. In the morning, i posted something on facebook saying that people had to know that we weren't going to know who won til long after tonight. And sure enough, after holding out all day and watching finally at 11 pm till about 1 am i fell asleep. Then at 4 am i woke with a start and decided i had to check again. To no avail…
I feel so many things. First, you can't really talk yourself out a mental ass whoopin. No matter how conscious you think you are and no matter how “in your spirit” you think you are. Secondly, "put on the whole armor of God" that i was taught growing up has a different meaning to me now. It means that i must make the things i do daily line up with the things i need. Only i can do that for self. No book. No website. No life coach. Me! So even with all the bike riding, prayer, meditation and other mental gymnastics i do to make it thru each day on this side of freedom and, like my grandmother would say, with the activity of my limbs and the soundness of my mind, i, someone i consider to be a JUGGERNAUT, fall short and fall victim to the fearmongering and the chaos born of the confusion of this society within which we live. It is not correct. It is not right. Yet all around me, people are living their day to day buying in to this nonsense. And i do too. Because tho i am a rebel, and revel in that title, i am still a product of my conditioning. And that my friend is what made the emotional roller coaster i went on yesterday hurt so much. Because i am doing the work that has been shown me to do day in and day out. And still, Babylon gave me a sleepless night....